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My head. In profile.

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I wore my holiday shirt yesterday and I will be wearing this on Halloween as i do for every holiday. I was going to post it right away but I fell asleep. I was watching There Will Be Blood and DDL just acted me into a fucking coma. That’s why I love him.

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It was the Social Network, great movie; I say that even with a deep disdain for Jesse Eienberg. He is the worst, really. List: Hitler, Jesse James, The Pope, Tom Cruise, Judas, Lucifer, Big Tobacco, AIDS, Cancer and then Jesse Eisenberg followed by Charles Manson, Mitt Rommney and some very unsavory individuals. He makes me wish violence on Nerpa Seals, and any marine biologist and seal hugger would say that’s fucking awful. Anyways, he plays a good asshole. Sidebar; I wonder if Mark Zuckerberg is really like that or is No. 10 on the woest list just ruining his reputation? Pretty much the biggest question of the 21st century, right?

The movie has such a enthralling cinematic tone to the most boring thing ever, depositions. Jumping between them gives them motion and they both have a very distinct sense of drama. One is the animosity of The Winklevie (inside joke) towards Mark and his anger of wasting time dealing with them. The other is the tension filled fight between two best friends, the entire time Mark still hasn’t come to terms with his mistakes and how he screwed over spiderman so royally. LOLWUT! is right.

This isn’t all just rambling of a madman as it may seem. I am getting to a point.

Awhile ago I thought to myself “as a person who’s looking to achieve greatness, I should set a goal for myself.” And that goal was to get to or be at a point where a movie could be made about me. I’ve had a fairly interesting life, and I’ve always believed that a great comedian must experience life before he can truly achieve stardom in this profession. That’s why many people don’t see actual success until they reach their mid 30s to early 40s in standup. Most people believe that at least 80% of a comedians set is lies just to make people laugh and I believe a crowd can pick up on that. I try very hard to make sure there is some truth to at least half of my stuff; because after all, we are storytellers that throw in a fart joke on occasion.

I’ve had this idea to write a screenplay about my life, it would be a story about my adolescence and my wild and crazy teen years to my sort of depressing 20s as a stand up. throw on a Shyamalan twist (I’ve been dead the ENTIRE time) and I just made a kick ass feature film.

I don’t know if ill ever do it though, putting on pants in the afternoon is hard enough. - Confucius’ lazy stepbrother, Randy 

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areasofmyexpertise:

Welcome to Obama’s America. (Taken with Instagram)

Romney plans to raise taxes on sentient robots by 3% so he can cut millionaire’s by 10.

Source: hodgman
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So this game has been great for this guy… I even got some weightlifting done in the 1st, that NEVER happens. (Taken with Instagram)

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"Those damn no tax paying hippies, that I accept won’t vote for me!" Alright, I might have jumped to conclusions with that completely true comment -Mitt Romney
(Taken with Instagram)

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Apparently a moth has perched itself on my shoe. I had no idea that it was alive. And it scared the shit out of me. #DamnNatureYouScary (Taken with Instagram)

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This is completely me as my alter ego “douchey segal” but I say it as I break my enemies’ arm.

Source: crimesagainsthughsmanatees
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The BIG slide (Taken with Instagram at Sylvania Playland)

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Taken with Instagram

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Eyeball (Taken with Instagram)

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This is my official fancy artist/ phantom of the opera picture (Taken with Instagram at Home)

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I tagged that with #domestic violence and the post under mine is about a person actually getting abused. But don’t pay any attention to that, its depressing, just laugh at mine.

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I know I haven’t been keeping up with social media in general, especially tumblr. I’ve been doing alot of writing and freshening up my material like a Jew armed with a Glade Plug-in.

BTW: TRUE STORY

Sometimes I find pissing on my neighbors backyard lawn relaxing; like a way to relieve stress, bladder pressure, most of all: to fuck with him and his poor excuse of intricate landscaping and Scott’s lawn care.

When I do piss on his fancy grass I usually take a video with my phone. Then, and here’s the twist, I send it to him. I’ve been telling him that they’re deleted scenes from jackass of Bam pissing on the grass.

I got arrogant with it. He found out it was his lawn. It took him a long time.

Now he has a video camera set up and a restraining order that keeps me and my urine off his property. I cant even go to his fucking annual barbeque. My entire family is invited, I’m 80% sure he’s gonna make a pass at my wife and fuck her. She gets easily confused and is borderline a complete idiot, but she’s hot and has great tits. (average but still great)

So all I can do is tell you people and hope for the best. The best being that my scare tactics of insinuating bodily harm on her if she lets anyone put their penis anywhere near her glory-holes.

Hope For The Best